why you can love them ferociously and still fantasize about getting in the car and just… driving.
The short version: Yes — resentment, guilt, and grief are normal and common among family caregivers, even when you deeply love your parent. You can grieve someone who’s still alive, feel relief and shame in the same minute, and still be a good person. Feelings aren’t actions. Naming them honestly, instead of burying them, is what keeps them from running you.
It happened in the cereal aisle, of all places. Mom asked me the same question for the fourth time in ten minutes, and something in me just went flat and cold and thought, with total clarity: I can’t wait for this to be over. And then, half a second later, the guilt landed like a truck – because “over” means gone, and what kind of monster wishes that? I stood there between the Cheerios and the Raisin Bran, eyes stinging, hating myself. Grieving my mother in a grocery store while she’s standing right next to me.
If you’ve ever had a thought that scared you
- I want my life back
- I can’t do this anymore
- I wish it was over
…and then drowned in guilt for thinking it, you aren’t a monster. Most people just don’t talk about how love and resentment often go hand and hand, followed by guilt and vodka.
So let’s say it out loud. Because the feelings you bury don’t die – they just leak out sideways.
So is something wrong with me that I feel this way?
The short answer is probably not. The longer answer is this…
- What you’re feeling has names, and they’re normal.
- Anticipatory grief is mourning someone before they’re gone – every lost ability, every changed routine, is a small death you’re already grieving.
- Caregiver resentment is what happens when one person carries an impossible load for a long time. Neither is a character flaw.
- They’re documented, common, and human. You’ll know it’s working when you can call it “grief” instead of “being a terrible daughter.”
- A feeling is not an action or a betrayal.
- You can feel rage and still show up tomorrow.
- You can fantasize about running away and still hold their hand at the appointment.
- The thought isn’t the deed, and having it doesn’t undo a single thing you’ve done.
- Stop treating your own mind like evidence against you. You’ll know it’s working when a dark thought passes through without dragging you into a guilt spiral.
- Put it down somewhere safe.
- Feelings need an exit that isn’t your parent’s face or your own body.
- Say them to a friend who won’t flinch, write them where no one will read them, or bring them to a therapist or support group whose entire job is to hear this without judging you.
- Spoken, they shrink.
- Bottled, they calcify into shame.
- You’ll know it’s working when you stop carrying the whole weight in your chest alone.
Okay – somedays I just need to know know other people feel this too.
We get that at. All of it. The free “Oh Sh*t” Starter Kit has a sanity protocol for the days the feelings win – but candidly, this one’s less about a checklist and more about not being alone in it. And if the heaviness has turned into most days feeling unbearable, please don’t tough it out solo – talking to a doctor or therapist is a strength move, not a white flag.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
Is it normal to resent a parent you’re caring for?
Yes. Resentment is extremely common among long-term family caregivers and does not mean you don’t love your parent. It usually signals that you’re under-supported and overextended, not that you’re a bad person. Naming it and finding support helps far more than guilt does.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is mourning losses before a death occurs – grieving the parent you used to have, abilities they’ve lost, or the future you imagined. It’s a recognized form of grief and a common part of caring for someone with a serious or progressive illness.
Is it normal to feel relief, or to wish it was over?
Yes, and many caregivers feel this followed immediately by guilt. Often the wish is for the suffering and the relentless strain to end, not for the person to be gone. These feelings are a normal response to prolonged stress, and they’re easier to carry when you can share them with someone safe.
Nobody warns you that love and resentment can live in the same room, or that you’d start grieving someone who’s still asking you to pass the milk. It doesn’t make you cruel. It makes you a person doing something brutally hard for a long time.
You can love them and still want to scream into a pillow — and you can hold both. Say the quiet part. Then go drink a glass of water and keep going.
It’s 10 PM somewhere – and we’re up with you.